Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
