Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
