my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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