I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
