i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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