Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
