he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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