My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
