I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
