There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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