I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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