So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
