every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Randomize
