dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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