the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
