"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
