In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You can't just leave with hair like that
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
