i think my mom watched the whole time
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
