So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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