I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
