I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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