I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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