In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
