Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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