I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
