I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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