You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
do herpes really smell.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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