i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
