There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
