you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
