Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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