worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
