I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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