I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
as a side note pls kill me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
