i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
