Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
