I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
