i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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