i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
