"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
