oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize