If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize