if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
