3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I could fuck to npr.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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