the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
