I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
