Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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