Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
