you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
