We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We need a shit load of segways right now
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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