you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
