hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
how does that bad decision feel?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
