Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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