I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
