you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize