I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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