ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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