On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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