i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
