i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
