i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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