My sheets look like a crime scene.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
