I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
