I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
