I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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