none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
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